Relearning How To Breath

“Breathing the Lord in and my self out. In and out. More of you. Less of my rebellious, insensitive crap.”

This is one of the ‘sticky notes’ on my desktop. I’m not sure at this point if it’s a quote of someone else or my own thought. Because I love quotes I usually lean towards attribution so I’m guessing it’s my own. Either way, it’s my daily companion.

It’s been an interesting six weeks for me. Six weeks during which I’ve had ZERO–yes, I said ZERO–seizures. (Hence the picture of fireworks…) Don’t get me started on the medical end of this complicated and hopefully permanent phenomenon… I’m busy being exceedingly thankful for it. God is beyond good in ways that, as usual, I could never have anticipated.

Now that I’m not all hopped up on anti-epileptic meds (or hopped down?) and am not randomly seizing every week or so… It’s time to get back to normal life. I’m working on that. But it takes a while to reverse all the things you have to put in place when you have such severe seizures. And in the interim I’m going a little stir crazy. And by a little, I of course me a lot. Because of my personality–outgoing, neurotic, high energy, relational–I’m particularly prone to stir crazy. And so the Lord and I have been wrestling. Really in my mind we’ve been circling one another. Like fighters before a sparring match. 

Let’s pause for a moment. Sparring with the Lord–who has infinite power and the best plan–seems unwise, right? I know. I AGREE. But… I can’t seem to help it. I want DIRECTION. I want the Lord to show me where I can be of the highest and best use for Him. And He’s been moderately silent on the issue. Okay, to be fair he’s only been about 47% silent. He’s been 53% clear. But the 47% is driving me crazy.

However, I don’t believe that He would string me along for no reason. I do believe that if revealing things in a more concrete way would serve the highest, best purpose, He would do so. Which leaves me in a bit of a bind. Because I have to accept that His purposes are served by a slower pace than what I desire.

And knowing that He desires a slower pace, I have to decide something important: Can I wait?

Will I find the self-discipline required to live here, in this tortuous ambiguity, for the time required? Can I accept that–not knowing His purpose–He has a higher purpose for His timing? My growth into a more effective tool, the enrichment of the relationships I’ll have to rely on in this time of uncertainty, the increase in effectiveness of my personal testimony through this additional time of struggle… really I have no idea what His goal is or why He would choose this path for me.

But I trust the Lord. That is an unshakable fact, thanks in large part to the trials of the last six months. So I trust that He has a purpose for this period of waiting. And I’ve settled into it a little. I hope the Lord surprises me with a great new direction, but I’m looking beyond that. How can I use the time in the interim? How best can I serve and build up and–thanks to my House Church leaders for their awesome messages this weekend–commit to my local church in ways that draw people to Christ? 

I love November and December. To me they mean more than just colorful leaves, family gatherings, hot chocolate, and cute boots. (Although I really, really love cute boots.They’re a chance to reach out to our communities and share our physical and emotional wealth–to serve with happy and genuine hearts. It’s cliche and simplistic…and I don’t care. It matters. Those of us who have much–family, friends, hope, security… this time of year is a great opportunity to reach out to those who have little.

How could you be serving? What do you want to accomplish in the next eight weeks? 

Don’t miss out on the joy of reaching out during what’s left of 2013! Plan ahead, take a friend, and see what happens 🙂 

2 thoughts on “Relearning How To Breath

  1. Not only do I jump for joy that you have been seizure free for 6 weeks, but I take great joy in your words around waiting on the Lord to give you direction. Speaking as one who spent nearly a year wandering from church to church to find where God wanted us to land and take root, I can attest to His timing and leading! He used that time to grow me and bring me into a much deeper relationship with Him. And he has brought us to a church where we are so very happy! God is good all the time! All the time God is good! He understands your desire for answers right now, but continue to trust in His timing, for He will bring you to a wonderful destination – far beyond your wildest dreams!
    Mary Tucker

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